I can just imagine what my haters would say if they knew I was in pain. I can almost hear their smirks. I do not know what strength remains in me to make something more of my heart. I always thought love would be enough to make things alright. As I grew, I realized that that was so far from the truth as Mercury was from Pluto. And that is just a figure of speech for want of a better one. My mind is so full, I cannot even think if the grammar in this blog post would turn out sound.
My last relationship broke my spirit. I have never doubted myself as much even when I had my heart broken by my first love. Perhaps, in my heart of hearts, I tend to hope so deeply that I believe people when they make their promises. And I think I have lost that hope. My last relationship took that from me. It made my heart a barren space which wants to believe but just cannot. It knows that honesty is incomprehensible to most and a promise is of mere importance. Honesty is useless and promises are made to be broken.
That is what I learned. Fear is what I inherited along with a very low self-esteem. Men do not want what I have to offer. They do not want romanticism and passion – there is no space for flowers and no scope for tenderness. Words, they know, ultimately mean nothing and so either they use too few or none at all. But they know how to read me. They know what they see is what they get. Eventually, I am then taken for granted.
As I chose again, I thought that a quieter, calmer soul, principled and sedate in thought, would know how to deal with a broken heart. After all, who better to understand a wound than the one who has had to undergo a similar healing? But in this reflection, I made a mistake. The wound may be similar to the hearts, but the hearts themselves were different.
My heart is affected by my mind. My mind – oof. There lies the rub. It is an unceasing, rotating wheel. If the heart was the sun, Pluto would be the mind. It rotates and revolves regularly – spinning and tossing. Its orbit is fixed. Its five moons run havoc around its own rotation.
The thing is I have been so distracted by my own insecurities that I have allowed people to treat me wrong. Just yesterday, I wondered if I was the reason why some left after appreciating – in the beginning – who I was. It was not that I changed – it was that they expected me to change and I did not. That is saying much. I was never dishonest about who I was and am. I still choose to declare myself openly and with no shame. Their slight was to make me believe I could not be loved as I am. Despite their promises in the beginning that told me they would – for sure.
Because of this, sleep eludes me. I keep wondering whether someone like me shall ever know a peaceful love. Sleep also eludes because I keep waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for the axe to fall. Waiting for promises to be broken. Waiting for me to be cheated on. Waiting for the lies and the heart break. If only it were easy to trust again. If only I could trust that my trust won’t be betrayed. Again. And worst of all, if I needed to change who I am to make the trusting easier.
It is not healthy thinking. And I am afraid for myself.
And I can know my haters would take such pleasure from this. So this one is for all of you. Cheers.
A Different Me 