Swim

It is time to take back myself. It is time that I let go of false notions of what love should be able to do and what it should not be allowed to do. It is time that I paid more attention to things that are in my control. I may not be able to prevent the hurt, but I can make something come of it.

As I said a few hours back, in an argument to make others understand what only I was able to, that feeling something intensely and holding onto pain doesn’t make me a lesser person. It makes me understand myself a bit better. It makes me realise that though I receive nothing essentially uplifting from the pain, the fact that I am still able to feel it is a great feat by itself for itself.

It just means that I am still human and that I can still feel the grief that should have left with the increasing of intelligence and learning. i had long since given up on hope. Fool me. The fact that I can still feel pain would indicate that I can still hope, and I do hope. What else can cause this grief that gnaws at my innards?

It is the breaking of hope that resurrects the self. It makes me realise that all is not lost, my capacity to hope lingers on. I may be a poor student here but my spirit is not dead yet and while it survives it clings to the sweet bliss that hope affords. I look forward with anticipation of a brighter state of mind, an expectation that I will be understood and love can indeed last.

So here is to not truly wanting to understand that the world is lost. That humanity still chooses love over wanting to tear each other down. That video games can be about clothes and not killing and being competitive. That movies can have happy endings, and reflect life. That one can have no father and still be a great father. That one can be abandoned by love and still choose to love.

It is time though to look to myself. To gain perspective while hope has a flux and takes a back seat. To respect reality while romantic thought feels right only in novels and epic poetry. This is after all an ebb and flow, and since I find myself in deep waters, it is time to put my limbs into action and begin to swim toward land.