I’ve fallen in love four times now. Though I have realised that love isn’t something that can be controlled with a number. There can be a first love, but who the hell can tell about their last love with certainty. Maybe they can, I have seen it happen a lot of times in movies and read about it in books, I always thought I would be able to as well. But it’s not as simple, at least for people like I.

The first was with a South African and he said he loved me and we were both 21. We lived together for 11 months. He left and said he’d be back but he never did and never gave me an explanation. He was the first guy I ever loved. And the people who knew us resented him for this. I have heard quite a bit about what should have happened and how he was wrong, but truth to tell, I could never stop loving him. It’s not a doormat thing, at all, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, for the simple reason he treated me wrong. Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not. In the same vein then, I cannot forget my love for him.

The second was a Danish guy. Tall blue eyes. Blond. He loved me to bits. But the distance proved our undoing, when I realised I was falling in love with someone who would have to leave or at the very least, stay away from me for long periods of time. But he was different; he returned and did say he would take me to Denmark. But my pride is too strong and I couldn’t let go of family and leave the country I love.

The next one I’ve been in since 2000. It’ll be 20 years in September 2020. I’ve had my expectations from love. In every relationship, some get met with some don’t. I expected sexual fidelity for the longest while. But when he cheated on me in 2013, after 13 years of my believing in monogamy, I restructured my thought process. The self esteem that was already not very great went down a sink hole. But I didn’t let go of something that took me 13 years to build and navigate through. It’s just not in me to give up and admit complete defeat without trying everything out.

So I actually took the call and opened up the relationship and gave being open a try. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It took me a year to get into bed with another guy. I haven’t had any reason to regret the alteration. Because somewhere down the line, the guys I met actually made me see different sides of me that I didn’t know existed.

Early 2017, I met someone else who I have come to love. One very important thing I’ve realised that keeps relationships of any sort alive is honesty. So I’ve been honest about Love and he has accepted it. And so I’m in love with and was love by two guys.

In April 2020, in the height of the lockdown due to Covid-19, I had a break-up. I went into depression because of it.  Life decided to take me down the route into polyamory. I haven’t regretted this. It showed me a different facet and possibility of love. I may take some time into getting over heart break again. It may prolong into a lengthy depression. Who knows?

This is it so far and tomorrow I don’t think about.

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